betrayal

I can't help but feel I have betrayed some of my friends whom must have been thought of as having been consequently abandoned by this guilt-ridden loner of a guy. There is pleasure in pain, mental in my case. When I was leaving for Japan in 2003 I said I'd return in a month but I haven't. It's now almost 2006. I care about these people I grew up with in highschool. But we are worlds different from basic views of the universe (or lack thereof) to life decision processing methodology, proactive as well as retroactive. I don't claim to be better than anybody but maybe they're a little less thoughtful. I don't spend my time thinking about nothing but "fun". Fun is, what it is, fun. I've been accused of being overly serious. Maybe a meant-to-be loner with a cunning set of social skills. Solitary lifestyle: eight months and counting.

People I used to care so much about who have somewhat fucked up lives or fucked up philosophy are farther and further away. I could laugh at their tasteless jokes but at the end of the day I know deepdown I felt there was no place for me. Taste of course is maybe the most subjective idea when someone doesn't see its value it's pretentious. However there are things you don't enjoy you just can't go on pretenting you do forever. Even though you do once in a while, a guilty pleasure. I admit I have downright terrible tastes in music. I found myself thinking of the girl I last dated, in the picture, and why past relationships ended with no apparent reasons, probably a bunch of them I involuntarily refuse to recognize. Bottom line, I think I deserve it.